Mixed Feelings

No, I am not mad at you. I am simply disappointed and not ready to let go of what has happened. You can say that I'm still holding grudges... but it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. I'm just licking my wound and wonder if all my efforts to love you is worth it.

Anyways... we'll be flying to Taiwan a less than a week. I'm so excited yet scared about our wedding pictures.. hopefully they turn out really well and we find enough that we like to make an album :P

I want to be happy... but I feel so emotional lately... I know I should be happy for having what I have.. and I am thankful for what I have, yet still can't help being influenced by things happening around me that I wish could be different..

Life is pieces of events put together..

There seems to be so much that I want to say.. but I can't find the right words.. I feel blessed, yet at the same time I question things about life or people in life..

Diary is so hard to keep... at least for me, because things happen every seconds, and around every corner there is something that is hurtful, something that is joyful, and something that I appreciate and love. It's hard to capture all the mixed emotions all at the same time...

The Last Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

Maybe I am too selfish, hating the fact that I'm not the "priority" and that I'm not being treated the way I think I should be treated.

Maybe I am too self-centered, thinking that "I" am important too... regardless of what goes on in your life.

Maybe I'm expecting too much because I thought we were family.. but you made me feel like a back-up, and a second-class citizen.

If I were in your shoes, I would've attended my wedding, regardless of what is happening in my own life, because I've put together your bachlorette party, helped you with your invitations, flew 1700 miles back to attend your reception, helped you month-sit (or tried), and helped paid for your month-sitting.. but most important of all, because I'm your sister, and I was there for you when you needed me.

If I were in your shoes, and I really couldn't make it to the wedding. I would've at least called, or texted, to congratulate me. Rather than being on a trip to San Diego. I would at least be apologetic for not being able to go, and would've had a better reason than "I'm not in the mood" to not come, because I'm your sister, and that is the least you could've done.

Sometimes I wonder if all I have done for you is worth it... I thought you would be there for me when I needed you, but you weren't. I thought you would appreciate it, but I don't think you do. Of all the time I tried to be there for you.. you told me, I'm not a priority for your son and daughter, and that you ditch me over and over again for the person who hurted you. You even dare to ask for the tickets to the zoo so you could go with the bastard. Not even be mindful of the fact that we got the membership only so we could take your son and daughther there. It's not about whether you took the tickets in the end.. but the fact that you have no respect for me or care how I feel.

I don't know if you actually care how I feel or think... or perhaps I'm just an mean to an end.. so you can get what you (or your kids) want through me.. since you spend so little time maintaining and protecting our relationship.

I'm tired of feeling being used .. and regardless of whether we are related or not.. I am moving on with my life. You can be whatever and whoever you want ... do whatever you want.. I wish you well, but the next time something happens in your life.. please don't expect me to be there for you. The era of sisterhood is over.

The last straw has broken the camel's back.. and nothing will ever be the same anymore..

Newly Wed

It was an intersting weekend in Vegas...

So many couples got married in Vegas on 10-10-10, a couple even flew in from Germany~! So many brides in their pretty gown walking on the strip and inside every casinos... I wonder if planning our anniversary a year from now will be a pain in the butt..

It doesn't feel too different being a wife, but I did get a little teary eyes when the judge was marrying us.. :P

Cold War.... or Cold Feet?

In two days, I will be going from Miss to Mrs... but last night something happened... For something so insignificant, he raised his voice and stormed out of the room. His inconsideration and bad temper left me feeling hurt and violated. If we are so in love, how can he be so selfish and irresponsible of his own words. If this is love, then why do I feel that my feelings are so neglected? I don't think I was at fault, for refusing to take on a task that I had clearly point out that I would not do from the beginning. So why am I guilty of a crime that I did not commit?

This morning, he acted as if nothing had happened, and called out to me with his usual sweet voice... but I ignored him. I left the house when he was in the bathroom... As I closed the door behind me, I feel some things and feeling will never be the same anymore.

So... what should I do.. in 2 days?

Going to Taiwan

Finally book our airline tickets... whew! Didn't realize there are so many expos in Taiwan around November, making any reasonably-priced tickets extremely difficult to find ...

This will actually be my 1st trip to Taiwan in the fall, in the past I could only managed to get time off in the summer when the blazing heat in Taiwan is at its best. Can't wait to see what Taiwan will feel like in November... hopefully not too rainy~ (I'm picky.. I know).

I want the GOOD beef!

It wasn’t until I visited fiancé’ relatives in Montana that I started to believe there are still many great ethical cattle ranchers who still believe in raising cattle ethically and properly. I don’t mean that they “love” their calves or their cows… they definitely don’t treat them as pet or think they are cute and give them names like Moo… but they know that a good piece of steak comes from a healthy cow. If you have ever tasted a Montana raised cow who roams around freely eating grasses and hays, who often gather around by the river underneath the trees…enjoying a beautiful afternoon… I hope, you too, will appreciate the fine steak that is on your dinner table (that’s if the meat comes from cattle that are raised like it should instead of being locked in a confined space and forced to eat in order to put on tons of weight).

I’m not an expert of livestock … but I know the steaks I tasted in Montana are tenderer, juicier and more flavorful. If you have ever tasted a home-grown tomato and notice the differences between that and the ones you bought in the supermarket… you’ll know the difference between a real steak and those that come from unethical cattle farmers…!

Tug of War

Marriage is such a delicate and complicate thing, even from the start, the planning can be so exhausting and overwhelming ... in the process, one may just say "xxxx it, I don't want to get married anymore (or is it just me?)."

Never thought wedding planning can be so troublesome. Setting the date, deciding on the location for wedding and reception, place to get wedding photo... and even more hair-pulling is when one of you (or both) don't have enough vacations left for the year ..

My head hurts. It reminds me of the bachelorette party I was planning for my sister years ago. I had nightmares back then... imagine what I'll be going through every night until all of this is over. I think last night I dreamed of picking out my dresses for the wedding pictures.... and it was just so... crazy!

I thought wedding planning would be so fun. Putting all the things you love together, celebrating such big occasion with families and friends.. yeah yeah yeah.. but not for someone indecisive like me... ugh. I don't even know what's my wedding color. :( Besides, as much as I'd like to keep it all simple.. another voice in me kept saying "yeah... but you'll only do it once, this is only once in a lifetime!!"

10-10-10

So the day has finally come!!!....ugh, not yet, but we're getting ready for it. Yup, just like other superstitious Asian who believes 10-10-10 means perfection, and will have special blessing to one's marriage, we too, have decided to go to the court house on 10-10-10 to make it official. Actually, we are just doing it because he proposed on 9-9-9… (He better not forgets our anniversary date... \___/)

Since 10-10-10 falls on a Sunday, we’ve been contemplating our possible options… one that was highly supported by fiancé’ parents was to get married in their backyard, and have his best friend, who is “legally” able to marry people, marrying us. As tempting and fun as that sound, I felt that it would be overly done than just a simple ceremony yet I won’t have any family or friends besides my immediate family there (since we live 4 hours away).

But anyways, the other option was to go to Las Vegas… where tons of chapels are available even on Sunday (even Drive-Thru) to let you say “I do!” After looking into it, I thought the chapel feels a bit cheesy… and found out the court house in Vegas is actually open on Sunday!? Nice…. so it could be just the two of us… going to the place that advertises “what happens here stays here”. I hope he won’t deny our marriage years down the road that it ever happened… v_v As we were ready to book our hotel… I thought of his ninety-some years old grandparents, and felt a bit guilty, because they thought they would see us getting married in October… so I asked fiancé if we should invite his parents and grandparents to Vegas, it’s a long drive, but they are welcome to come if they like. Needless to say, his mom wanted to join us, and to my surprise, his sister and her boyfriend too… they’re not sure about the dad because he may have work to do at the vineyard finishing up their raisin season… what really disappointed me, was that they decide to not tell the grandparents about it, because they don’t want to “babysit” them in Vegas… I mean, I understand, they’re really old, and they’re slow… and they need people to watch over them when they’re outside… but… /sigh.. I guess I will see them this Christmas… or at our wedding reception in the spring. Since his family is coming, I asked mom and sister if they would like to join us as well, and it seems that only mom will be joining us…

In life, we get to choose our own priorities, but we cannot choose others’ priorities for them… and rather than being resentful, I’d rather learn to respect their decision…

Random Thoughts

We all have the choice to do what we want to do, how we want to live, but we have to take responsibility for the outcomes. What if we drill our beliefs into our loved ones, because we want them to live the better life that we think there is? What if there is a clash in our beliefs and the ones you love so dearly are upsetting you? Do you just let them go off on their own, letting them take their own consequences, or do you do what they expect of you, so they could live ways they desire, with your support?

Live in the moment. What a great ideology. But is that ideology still ideal when you have small children who depend on you? When you’re in your mid-sixties with no savings … and not enough money in your retirement fund to cover your expenses? In the event of unemployment, or emergency, you would not have any reserve in the bank to bring yourself out of the trouble because you live in the moment. You do what you believe are right, you enjoy the moment. The moment is now, so why worry about the future. Why save money in an emergency fund, and why not spend on the things you desire… they make you happy, now! Who cares if you just got a new phone ten months ago, you want the upgrade now! And it doesn’t matter if it cost another $200 that you don’t have… live in the moment.

What about living our lives responsibly? There will still be fun, but with the security in mind that you know you will retire when you want to. Enjoy your life, but not at the cost of your future or your children’s future. The children won’t remember or appreciate the thousands of dollars you spent on buying them toys…but they’ll remember the days in their youth when you cried to them and tell them that there is no money, when their relatives looked down on them, and when they could not afford a haircut or new clothes because you spent it all to live your moment. I know I do. It doesn’t mean I won’t buy them any toy, but I’d rather save more for them so they can live a normal life and afford to go to college if they choose to. It doesn’t mean I will live on ramen noodles and potatoes until I retire, I will enjoy life, but not lavishly or on the things I don’t need. I will buy the things I want when I can afford them.

Maybe I am asking too much in this tough time of yours, but I do not know how long this tough time will last, and how long I will have to deal with it… As you spend all yours and our money away to take away the stress… my frustration grows. You were my priority, and perhaps you would say otherwise because I won’t let you have everything you ask for, and I’m not there to support you when you expect me to, but it felt as if I have bent my life over just to accommodate your way of life… and perhaps this is coming to an end. Perhaps it’s finally time for you to take your own responsibilities… and I move on with mine…

Back to work~!

Two weeks flew by and I'm already back at work sitting at my tiny little cubicle ..

We drove 3700 miles across 8 different states: California, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Washington, and Oregon... America is truly a beautiful place!

Yay~!

Here we go again...

Let's see if I can be persistent with my blog!

Going on vacation tomorrow, here is our tentative plan~

Los Angeles --> Yellowstone --> everywhere in Montana --> Seattle --> Portland --> San Francisco --> Madera --> Los Angeles

Please let it be a safe and fun trip~ <3