Mixed Feelings

No, I am not mad at you. I am simply disappointed and not ready to let go of what has happened. You can say that I'm still holding grudges... but it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. I'm just licking my wound and wonder if all my efforts to love you is worth it.

Anyways... we'll be flying to Taiwan a less than a week. I'm so excited yet scared about our wedding pictures.. hopefully they turn out really well and we find enough that we like to make an album :P

I want to be happy... but I feel so emotional lately... I know I should be happy for having what I have.. and I am thankful for what I have, yet still can't help being influenced by things happening around me that I wish could be different..

Life is pieces of events put together..

There seems to be so much that I want to say.. but I can't find the right words.. I feel blessed, yet at the same time I question things about life or people in life..

Diary is so hard to keep... at least for me, because things happen every seconds, and around every corner there is something that is hurtful, something that is joyful, and something that I appreciate and love. It's hard to capture all the mixed emotions all at the same time...

The Last Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

Maybe I am too selfish, hating the fact that I'm not the "priority" and that I'm not being treated the way I think I should be treated.

Maybe I am too self-centered, thinking that "I" am important too... regardless of what goes on in your life.

Maybe I'm expecting too much because I thought we were family.. but you made me feel like a back-up, and a second-class citizen.

If I were in your shoes, I would've attended my wedding, regardless of what is happening in my own life, because I've put together your bachlorette party, helped you with your invitations, flew 1700 miles back to attend your reception, helped you month-sit (or tried), and helped paid for your month-sitting.. but most important of all, because I'm your sister, and I was there for you when you needed me.

If I were in your shoes, and I really couldn't make it to the wedding. I would've at least called, or texted, to congratulate me. Rather than being on a trip to San Diego. I would at least be apologetic for not being able to go, and would've had a better reason than "I'm not in the mood" to not come, because I'm your sister, and that is the least you could've done.

Sometimes I wonder if all I have done for you is worth it... I thought you would be there for me when I needed you, but you weren't. I thought you would appreciate it, but I don't think you do. Of all the time I tried to be there for you.. you told me, I'm not a priority for your son and daughter, and that you ditch me over and over again for the person who hurted you. You even dare to ask for the tickets to the zoo so you could go with the bastard. Not even be mindful of the fact that we got the membership only so we could take your son and daughther there. It's not about whether you took the tickets in the end.. but the fact that you have no respect for me or care how I feel.

I don't know if you actually care how I feel or think... or perhaps I'm just an mean to an end.. so you can get what you (or your kids) want through me.. since you spend so little time maintaining and protecting our relationship.

I'm tired of feeling being used .. and regardless of whether we are related or not.. I am moving on with my life. You can be whatever and whoever you want ... do whatever you want.. I wish you well, but the next time something happens in your life.. please don't expect me to be there for you. The era of sisterhood is over.

The last straw has broken the camel's back.. and nothing will ever be the same anymore..

Newly Wed

It was an intersting weekend in Vegas...

So many couples got married in Vegas on 10-10-10, a couple even flew in from Germany~! So many brides in their pretty gown walking on the strip and inside every casinos... I wonder if planning our anniversary a year from now will be a pain in the butt..

It doesn't feel too different being a wife, but I did get a little teary eyes when the judge was marrying us.. :P

Cold War.... or Cold Feet?

In two days, I will be going from Miss to Mrs... but last night something happened... For something so insignificant, he raised his voice and stormed out of the room. His inconsideration and bad temper left me feeling hurt and violated. If we are so in love, how can he be so selfish and irresponsible of his own words. If this is love, then why do I feel that my feelings are so neglected? I don't think I was at fault, for refusing to take on a task that I had clearly point out that I would not do from the beginning. So why am I guilty of a crime that I did not commit?

This morning, he acted as if nothing had happened, and called out to me with his usual sweet voice... but I ignored him. I left the house when he was in the bathroom... As I closed the door behind me, I feel some things and feeling will never be the same anymore.

So... what should I do.. in 2 days?

Going to Taiwan

Finally book our airline tickets... whew! Didn't realize there are so many expos in Taiwan around November, making any reasonably-priced tickets extremely difficult to find ...

This will actually be my 1st trip to Taiwan in the fall, in the past I could only managed to get time off in the summer when the blazing heat in Taiwan is at its best. Can't wait to see what Taiwan will feel like in November... hopefully not too rainy~ (I'm picky.. I know).

I want the GOOD beef!

It wasn’t until I visited fiancé’ relatives in Montana that I started to believe there are still many great ethical cattle ranchers who still believe in raising cattle ethically and properly. I don’t mean that they “love” their calves or their cows… they definitely don’t treat them as pet or think they are cute and give them names like Moo… but they know that a good piece of steak comes from a healthy cow. If you have ever tasted a Montana raised cow who roams around freely eating grasses and hays, who often gather around by the river underneath the trees…enjoying a beautiful afternoon… I hope, you too, will appreciate the fine steak that is on your dinner table (that’s if the meat comes from cattle that are raised like it should instead of being locked in a confined space and forced to eat in order to put on tons of weight).

I’m not an expert of livestock … but I know the steaks I tasted in Montana are tenderer, juicier and more flavorful. If you have ever tasted a home-grown tomato and notice the differences between that and the ones you bought in the supermarket… you’ll know the difference between a real steak and those that come from unethical cattle farmers…!